Denial

There's too much that goes on in my head that I ignore on a daily basis.
And I very well could have kept it buried,
if it hadn't been for that dream I had.

And this is why I hate remembering my dreams.
They bring up emotions long forgotten.
They bring about a happiness that I can never have.
They brought about a hope that was entirely false,
and I when I wake and remember these dreams,
It's like crushing me all over again...
and I am begging to be saved.

But still this begging means nothing,
because in the near future I won't feel these things anymore.
I won't feel anything anymore,
because somehow I have managed to effectively shut down all emotions that may attempt to seep out.
I don't feel strongly about anything anymore.
The passion is gone,
and everything I feel, see, and do is just me killing time.
I don't enjoy myself anymore.
There's nothing in this world for me to enjoy,
though there's a whole world out there that I would have loved once upon a broken dream.

This can't be all there is.
This can't be it.

Hey Jude... Smile

People want reasons, beliefs, love, war, peace, fights, pain, aches, drugs, life, happiness, sadness, depression, creation, destruction, demolition, convolution, conversation, music, time, hopes, dreams, everything.

When was the last time anyone just sat back,
watched the world.
Studied it and enjoyed it.
Smiled.
Cried.

Why should it be so hard?
So harsh?
So terrible?

It shouldn't.

I will change everything through nothing.
I will just be.
Think of me and smile.
Think of me...
and just be.

You'll be everything to someone someday.

Fear of Failure

It is now that time in my life to make the transformation from child to adult.
I can no longer sit on the sidelines, using only my brain to get me through.
I can't squeak by anymore, barely capable of standing up and doing what needs to be done.
The time has come,
but I am so not ready for it.

I am now supposed to take that giant leap into the world of adulthood.
The day in and day out, same bullshit routine,
pay the bills, pay the bills,
skate by in life.
Barely clip the lines.
Cut back here to throw some in there.
Lack of food.
Lack of faith.
Lack of truth.
And this is what I am getting myself into.
Then it's going to be hell.
Work, school, study, sleep.
This will mean NO life for me.
But what kind of a life will I have anyway?
I don't go places and meet people.
So here are my fears for the future ahead.

Someone just hand me a contract to sign my life away,
because I'd rather make music day in and day out,
tour the world,
sell records,
and get paid for my passion,
than to be stuck in a pathetic little life like the rest of my wonderful family.
Pondering when the right time is exactly to off myself,
because suicide seems to be a trend with the ones who don't have children.

I crave more than this place can give.

Life... Huzzah!!!

Exposition!

Is that all this is?

Ok, just kidding, but here we go.
I am going to try to put myself in super mode.
Yeah, it sounds like something out of a Super Mario video game, but hey, if I can be super from ingesting a magic mushroom then woohoo!!

Ok, I'm kidding again, but drug jokes entwined with video game jokes... ok maybe I'm a nerd.
Back to the point then...

Super mode...
Meaning, things have been good for about a week.
Strange happenings of last week turned into a rather positive experience for me, thus putting me into a more positive state of mind. My state of mind thus effects the rest of my life of course. We all know how this works... and if not, you probably shouldn't be reading this anyway.

I am going to start working quickly to be finished soon.
I need out, and finishing is the only way to get out,
so here we go.
I will do what is needed, and I will do it soon, and quickly, and stop being a damn bum.
I need life to kick in.

I realized I have been putting things off because of this fear I have.
A constant nitpicking fear of failure.
I don't want to go out on my own and fall on my ass.
I am above that.
Yet I still fear it.
I know myself, and I am rather susceptible to stress, and I let it get to me a break me down, and I can't do that anymore.

So someone needs to start kicking my ass to do these things so I will be sure to do them.
I fell off the track because I lost all my reasons.
Someone give me a reason, even if that reason is simply to get you to leave me the hell alone about it.

Questions... No Answers

Is there a point, or is it pointless?

- This blog?
- This enterntainment?
- This breath?
- This love?
- This life?

Is it absolutely necessary for me to do anything of merit?

Do I have to do something to avoid mediocrity?

Why is there this obsession, this fear of mediocrity?

Why do I feel this incredible need to do something huge?
- The need to be someone important?

There is this pull,
some force that tells me I am meant for so much more than this.
Like I was made to be something different.
Someone important.

And if this force is not just in my head,
then why the hell do I feel so completely useless?
Like I've done nothing with myself and time is so against me?

I want to revolutionize.
What? I don't know yet.

Something belongs to me.
Something in me makes me different.
Something in me aches to do something incredible.

Something fantastic.

And yeah, this blogging totally helps...
It's just me wasting time again.
I need to get to work...

"Perfect Despair"

Those two words keep sticking in my head.
When this type of thing happens,
When words like that get stuck in my mind and I can't seem to get them out,
My first instinct is to write.

(Not blog.)

But no words can describe my tragedy.
No words could ever tell you how I used to hurt.
How I used to be so afraid.
How I try to accept one of the worst things ever to happen to me.

How would you cope if your worst fear came to pass?
Because one of my worst fears,
The fear of losing my one and only,
It happened.

No one knew and no one will ever know how much it frightened me.

So I did what I could to continue.
And now, without much effort on my part at all,
I continue.
But now there is this permanently empty spot inside me.

My light has gone away,
and with it went all other things I had to comfort me in the dark.
But now all this time has passed,
And my eyes have adjusted.
I have forged weapons of my very own for protection,
but still I remain in shadow.

This emptiness,
This loss of a soul,
Loss of life,
Now it's all I know,
And it is all I can see of my future.

I think "Perfect Despair" sums it up pretty well.

Title

So we've never discussed the title of my blog.
Since no one reads this, then it doesn't really matter but I need something to take up the space in my head right now so i'll give an example of "the little things that kill."

Phone call.

Yes, a simple phone call.

The first call that killed was the worst.
It took everything I had inside of me up until that point.
My loss of a soul became evident to those around me and they left as well.
That hurt more.
Tore more of the life out of me.
But I came to conclusions, epiphanies if you will,
after these tragedies struck my not so bullet proof shell.

I had my nice walls all securely built, and there was but one person that could ever get through again.

And she did.
She didn't even speak to me the next time she saw me.
All she had to do was be there, and I crumbled.
Badly hidden beneath bitterness and resentment of course.
Cracking stupid jokes and laughing at the perfectly wrong time so she would know...

I told her to forget my name and number after that.
She said ok, so I thought it was finally over.
Then I get a phone call tonight.
Another excuse for me to not be out of her life.

The little things that kill.

And I'm still dying.

Knots

I still get all tied up in knots when I think certain things could happen.
It's a crazy making situation.
The things I do to keep the torture flowing.
It's insane.
I love love and hate it too.
It's everything.
It makes up my entire being.

Look into My Eyes

I miss it when my eyes grow cold.
When I look straight into the soul of a person and they just know.
There's a darkness in me that I try to hide.
But tonight it's growing into something I don't want to fight.

I didn't intend for this to become anything resembling a poem.
But when this darkness creeps to the top,
I think my I.Q. jumps up a few points.
Everything I need to say comes out.
Even things that I don't want to let out come out.

I think about that room lit only by candles.
The bed against the wall,
with her lying in it.
Waiting for me.
Some kind of music playing that fits the dark mood.
Something slow and melancholy.
Something with a deeper meaning than most listeners ever understand.

And I miss it when she was afraid of me.
She wasn't afraid for any reason in particular.
Not for any reason any of you reading this would think.
It's all in my eyes.
It happens when I get this way.
And when people see it, they get afraid.

...

Lies.
It was always lies.

A Letter To A Loved One

I think I have found the root of my problem.
Yes, you could say I watch too much TV, but that's a poor excuse and so far from the mark.

"You live as if the world is as it should be."

I live as if the world is as I always thought it should be.
It's just one person's view, but it's been many years of viewing the darkest places of the earth, that I can see the world only as it is, and as I think it should be.
I have no place in this world because of how I think it should be.

Another step away from the truth and I may just abandon you.

I turned my back on this long ago.
When the rest of the world turned it's back on me.
I have accepted my place.
My place of being alone.

I'm sorry, I just don't play those games anymore.
Those little tricks of the mind.
Most people never know what happens to them.
I knew it all along.
I just went along with it.
I just went along with you.
I just went along to be left behind.
And it's all ok.
I'm ok.

I am the recipient of a small piece of lustful love,
hidden at the brink of humanity,
in the vaguest of dark places,
in the vast recesses of my mind,
and everytime I find it...
I am even more alone than I was before.
Because I once lost everything I had.
And have still yet to gain anything back again.
A sense of self.
A sense of belonging.
A place.
A reason for being.
A reason to continue other than having no other option.

Yet I am ok.
I am alive,
and I will be ok.

And with every immortal breath I take,
I will think of you.
I will remember you.
I will remember you as you were and not as what you became.

And with every immortal breath I take,
I will love you as I always have,
and I will love you as I always will.

Love and Honesty, Do You Believe?

Is there a hidden brick in the wall of all of your elusiveness?
Is that even a word?

Moving on...
Drama has struck me so many times in the past few years. It's hard to get on, move forward and let go. I remember so many days when I felt I couldn't make it through the next minute, let alone another day. But the one and only thing that kept me moving, was one question:

"What other choice do I have?"

And seriously, when death is NOT viewed as an escape, what other choice does a person have than to go on? I remember those days, and it's weird to me to think that I was that down at one point. Then again, it's also weird to think that I'm not in pieces, crying and falling flat on my face every single day.

I live in this sort of neutral zone where some drama can reach me, but it can only come so far before it's repelled by my incredible desire to not care. To not get pushed so far down again. There are never extremes here anymore. I am never extremely happy, nor am I extremely depressed. Sure I have some decent moods and some not so nice moods, I might even say depressed; but I know my extremes now, and those places are never seen. I refuse to let myself get too down, but maybe I refuse to let myself get too happy in order to avoid the inevitable extreme drop I would later experience.

But this is all just a brainstorming session. A nice long rant to let the people out there that may or may not read this, and may or may not care, know where I am and what I'm feeling. What i've been doing and all that good stuff.

Is it possible for one tragic event to trigger a lifetime change in someone?
A change that may not have been for the better?

I just don't have that capacity to give a flying fuck anymore the way I used to.

I used to be so adamant in my beliefs. I used to be persistent when trying to take care of a friend, to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Making sure they're being careful, and that they are not going to screw themselves over.Now, when they don't listen, I give up. I won't persist. I won't be the general good-natured person from my fantasy world any longer. Now I have been hardened by life. But the only thing I have to believe in is my fantasy world. So someone please tell me what the hell I should do.

Am I stuck in this world?This realm of pure neutrality?
This place where I never show emotion.
This place where I care about so little,and yet love is all I am.
It's all I want.
All I need.
All I breathe,
and the only thing I believe in.

Love and honesty mean everything to me.

Why aren't these things valued in this world anymore?
No one ever seems to think that way. They don't believe in traditional friendships. They don't believe in honesty, because nice guys finish last. They don't believe in love, because who needs love when you can have fun? And all of these material things mean nothing at all. And maybe in the end, who was married, and who was in love, the Romeo and Juliet's, maybe none it matters in the end. But for all of the hopelessly romantic people that are just like me, love and honesty mean everything.

Love can make any troubles in the world seem like nothing.I know it, i've seen it and felt it.When the sky is falling in on you, and you are in your lover's arms, you don't even notice the rest of the world is gone.

So where is the magic?
Where are the believers?
What has happened to it all?
And who will come to change the way these modern day poeple think?
I am taking steps to make you believe.
And I am the only thing that can stop me.
Watch me.