Look into My Eyes

I miss it when my eyes grow cold.
When I look straight into the soul of a person and they just know.
There's a darkness in me that I try to hide.
But tonight it's growing into something I don't want to fight.

I didn't intend for this to become anything resembling a poem.
But when this darkness creeps to the top,
I think my I.Q. jumps up a few points.
Everything I need to say comes out.
Even things that I don't want to let out come out.

I think about that room lit only by candles.
The bed against the wall,
with her lying in it.
Waiting for me.
Some kind of music playing that fits the dark mood.
Something slow and melancholy.
Something with a deeper meaning than most listeners ever understand.

And I miss it when she was afraid of me.
She wasn't afraid for any reason in particular.
Not for any reason any of you reading this would think.
It's all in my eyes.
It happens when I get this way.
And when people see it, they get afraid.

...

Lies.
It was always lies.

A Letter To A Loved One

I think I have found the root of my problem.
Yes, you could say I watch too much TV, but that's a poor excuse and so far from the mark.

"You live as if the world is as it should be."

I live as if the world is as I always thought it should be.
It's just one person's view, but it's been many years of viewing the darkest places of the earth, that I can see the world only as it is, and as I think it should be.
I have no place in this world because of how I think it should be.

Another step away from the truth and I may just abandon you.

I turned my back on this long ago.
When the rest of the world turned it's back on me.
I have accepted my place.
My place of being alone.

I'm sorry, I just don't play those games anymore.
Those little tricks of the mind.
Most people never know what happens to them.
I knew it all along.
I just went along with it.
I just went along with you.
I just went along to be left behind.
And it's all ok.
I'm ok.

I am the recipient of a small piece of lustful love,
hidden at the brink of humanity,
in the vaguest of dark places,
in the vast recesses of my mind,
and everytime I find it...
I am even more alone than I was before.
Because I once lost everything I had.
And have still yet to gain anything back again.
A sense of self.
A sense of belonging.
A place.
A reason for being.
A reason to continue other than having no other option.

Yet I am ok.
I am alive,
and I will be ok.

And with every immortal breath I take,
I will think of you.
I will remember you.
I will remember you as you were and not as what you became.

And with every immortal breath I take,
I will love you as I always have,
and I will love you as I always will.

Love and Honesty, Do You Believe?

Is there a hidden brick in the wall of all of your elusiveness?
Is that even a word?

Moving on...
Drama has struck me so many times in the past few years. It's hard to get on, move forward and let go. I remember so many days when I felt I couldn't make it through the next minute, let alone another day. But the one and only thing that kept me moving, was one question:

"What other choice do I have?"

And seriously, when death is NOT viewed as an escape, what other choice does a person have than to go on? I remember those days, and it's weird to me to think that I was that down at one point. Then again, it's also weird to think that I'm not in pieces, crying and falling flat on my face every single day.

I live in this sort of neutral zone where some drama can reach me, but it can only come so far before it's repelled by my incredible desire to not care. To not get pushed so far down again. There are never extremes here anymore. I am never extremely happy, nor am I extremely depressed. Sure I have some decent moods and some not so nice moods, I might even say depressed; but I know my extremes now, and those places are never seen. I refuse to let myself get too down, but maybe I refuse to let myself get too happy in order to avoid the inevitable extreme drop I would later experience.

But this is all just a brainstorming session. A nice long rant to let the people out there that may or may not read this, and may or may not care, know where I am and what I'm feeling. What i've been doing and all that good stuff.

Is it possible for one tragic event to trigger a lifetime change in someone?
A change that may not have been for the better?

I just don't have that capacity to give a flying fuck anymore the way I used to.

I used to be so adamant in my beliefs. I used to be persistent when trying to take care of a friend, to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Making sure they're being careful, and that they are not going to screw themselves over.Now, when they don't listen, I give up. I won't persist. I won't be the general good-natured person from my fantasy world any longer. Now I have been hardened by life. But the only thing I have to believe in is my fantasy world. So someone please tell me what the hell I should do.

Am I stuck in this world?This realm of pure neutrality?
This place where I never show emotion.
This place where I care about so little,and yet love is all I am.
It's all I want.
All I need.
All I breathe,
and the only thing I believe in.

Love and honesty mean everything to me.

Why aren't these things valued in this world anymore?
No one ever seems to think that way. They don't believe in traditional friendships. They don't believe in honesty, because nice guys finish last. They don't believe in love, because who needs love when you can have fun? And all of these material things mean nothing at all. And maybe in the end, who was married, and who was in love, the Romeo and Juliet's, maybe none it matters in the end. But for all of the hopelessly romantic people that are just like me, love and honesty mean everything.

Love can make any troubles in the world seem like nothing.I know it, i've seen it and felt it.When the sky is falling in on you, and you are in your lover's arms, you don't even notice the rest of the world is gone.

So where is the magic?
Where are the believers?
What has happened to it all?
And who will come to change the way these modern day poeple think?
I am taking steps to make you believe.
And I am the only thing that can stop me.
Watch me.